#WDIIA – April 6 – Sadness

Thank you to  Maggie for this graphic. She attempted to teach me how to make a graphic on an app and I have not mastered it.

Thank you to Linda for this blogging topic. What Day Is It Anyway is a common thought lately so it makes an appropriate blog topic.

I have been isolated except for doctor’s appointments since the beginning of February. Being isolated does not bother me. But my reality is that I am dealing with so very much stress right now that I am not feeling like myself. I started blogging as a means to recover from PTSD. For an entire year I blogged about things I was grateful for. It was an uplifting way to find things that were good in my life instead of the painful memories that caused the PTSD. It was a very useful tool in my recovery.

Blogging was for my own good and if others read, liked, or commented, that was a plus. Eventually I was in a good enough place that I allowed myself to change my format and blog topics. I was frightened of the unknown. I knew how to look for gratitude. I did not know how to be a “blogger” like the rest of the wonderful blogs I read. I wondered if I should just stop blogging all together. After all, I had accomplished what I set out to do. I moved through a multitude of strategies to recover. I was feeling emotionally healthy and happy.

I learned that there were so very many wonderful bloggers with topics I could respond to. This was a new way and purpose to blog. I could pick and choose from the many great opportunities out there. I tried to not only read the blogs but the comments also. It often led me to find other bloggers that also interested me.

Quite a long way to get to today’s topic. I have not been blogging much lately. I am having trouble focusing on what day it is. Too many days are spent in sadness. I am not concerned about being at home. I have been here isolated because of medical issues. I am finally recovered from shingles and now I am faced with overwhelming emotional pain.

I am not sleeping well. I am always tired. I rarely get out of bed. I have no desire to eat. I force myself to have two meals a day to keep my body from being further worn down. I am in tears more often than I care to admit. I am having nightmares. I wake with nausea and headaches every day. The days all blend together. I am having trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

 I am sad about my family members dealing with extremely difficult issues. I am sad for loved ones that I am not in contact with. I am sad for my personal issues. I am sad about the economy which will affect my financial stability.  I am sad for what the world is going through. I panic every time my spouse leaves the house. I fear what will happen if he brings home the virus. We both have medical issues and I am at the age to be concerned. I fear for my well-being. It is all so very hard to deal with.

I can’t seem to find joy for any length of time. The times when friends contact me, and we share a conversation give me rare moments of happiness. I seem to immediately return to apathy after we talk. I don’t want to do anything. I have a multitude of things that could normally bring me joy. Nothing seems to give me joy right now. I know others have problems also. That adds to my sadness.

I am searching for a path to find joy. I am reaching out to people I believe can help. I don’t care what day it is anymore. I just want something to look forward to.