The Good, The Bad, and the Terribly Sad

This week’s roller coaster of emotions has been driving me mad. I am grateful for all the good experiences of the week. I am working through the bad experiences. I am devastated by the sad experiences.

I am grateful for the good things this week:
It finally rained this week. We are living through another drought. Last night it rained hard. I was overjoyed with the sound of real rain and not just a few drizzles. 
I had a telemedical appointment which went well.
I had an acupuncture/chiropractic appointment which was terrific.
I did not feel the need to light my candles for hope the entire week.
I got my first vaccination shot to fight Covid. The wait time (beginning to end) was just over an hour in total.
I am writing along with the prompts on a deep level writing course.
I have been making new meals that bring me joy. 

I have been trying to cope with the bad things that have me driving me away from my gratitudes: 
My car has been dropping my connection with my phone. I will be using the phone for directions and in the middle of my drive the navigation drops. This scares me as I am directionally challenged.
Twice, when I started my car, the entire dash did not light up. I could drive, but I had no indicators anywhere. That scares me.
I just had to purchase four new tires and that was a big hit to my budget. I fear what this is going to cost.
My acid reflux is back with a vengeance. I am pretty sure I am having too much tomato sauce.
I started redoing a big project on my front yard and it is much more intensive than I thought. My body gives out before my mind wants to quit each day.
The colder weather is kicking my butt. My RA has my hands looking like claws each morning. 

Yesterday, I received some incredibly sad news. I was devastated. My dear aunt who resides in a senior assisted living establishment was confirmed to have COVID.  They have called in hospice for her. She is on oxygen. There are four residents and three staff members diagnosed with Covid this time. My heart aches with the reality that I will not see her again. When we spoke last week she was feeling ill and our conversation was shorter than usual.
My dear cousin asked if I could help by making a few calls for her. We spoke after the calls and shared our grief. 
My go to, for dealing with sadness is to use up energy or to eat chocolate. I made dark chocolate brownies after my phone calls. I needed them. They are my aunt’s favorite dessert that I make. I sent her some for Hanukkah this year and she was so happy. I only ate three, but I wanted to eat the whole pan.
My aunt is the last of her generation on my paternal side. The depth of my sadness is palpable.
My hope is that if it is G-d’s time to have her transition, that she does so without pain and without fear.

FOWC with Fandango — Drive

#WDIIA – April 6 – Sadness

5E55B209-A284-4D14-8950-0B70C669DB9FThank you to  Maggie for this graphic. She attempted to teach me how to make a graphic on an app and I have not mastered it.

Thank you to Linda for this blogging topic. What Day Is It Anyway is a common thought lately so it makes an appropriate blog topic.

I have been isolated except for doctor’s appointments since the beginning of February. Being isolated does not bother me. But my reality is that I am dealing with so very much stress right now that I am not feeling like myself. I started blogging as a means to recover from PTSD. For an entire year I blogged about things I was grateful for. It was an uplifting way to find things that were good in my life instead of the painful memories that caused the PTSD. It was a very useful tool in my recovery.

Blogging was for my own good and if others read, liked, or commented, that was a plus. Eventually I was in a good enough place that I allowed myself to change my format and blog topics. I was frightened of the unknown. I knew how to look for gratitude. I did not know how to be a “blogger” like the rest of the wonderful blogs I read. I wondered if I should just stop blogging all together. After all, I had accomplished what I set out to do. I moved through a multitude of strategies to recover. I was feeling emotionally healthy and happy.

I learned that there were so very many wonderful bloggers with topics I could respond to. This was a new way and purpose to blog. I could pick and choose from the many great opportunities out there. I tried to not only read the blogs but the comments also. It often led me to find other bloggers that also interested me.

Quite a long way to get to today’s topic. I have not been blogging much lately. I am having trouble focusing on what day it is. Too many days are spent in sadness. I am not concerned about being at home. I have been here isolated because of medical issues. I am finally recovered from shingles and now I am faced with overwhelming emotional pain.

I am not sleeping well. I am always tired. I rarely get out of bed. I have no desire to eat. I force myself to have two meals a day to keep my body from being further worn down. I am in tears more often than I care to admit. I am having nightmares. I wake with nausea and headaches every day. The days all blend together. I am having trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

 I am sad about my family members dealing with extremely difficult issues. I am sad for loved ones that I am not in contact with. I am sad for my personal issues. I am sad about the economy which will affect my financial stability.  I am sad for what the world is going through. I panic every time my spouse leaves the house. I fear what will happen if he brings home the virus. We both have medical issues and I am at the age to be concerned. I fear for my well-being. It is all so very hard to deal with.

I can’t seem to find joy for any length of time. The times when friends contact me, and we share a conversation give me rare moments of happiness. I seem to immediately return to apathy after we talk. I don’t want to do anything. I have a multitude of things that could normally bring me joy. Nothing seems to give me joy right now. I know others have problems also. That adds to my sadness.

I am searching for a path to find joy. I am reaching out to people I believe can help. I don’t care what day it is anymore. I just want something to look forward to.

St. Patrick’s Day

Today is unlike every other St. Patrick’s Day of my life. Today I do not have a wonderful corned beef roast in a pan cooking to feed family and friends. Today I do not the house decorated with green decorations. I do not have out the napkins and placemats and table runners I made. I do not have beautiful Irish music playing. I do not have flowers on my table reminding me of the joys of springtime.

Today I am isolated for my protection as well as the protection of my community. I do not have joy in my heart today. I do not have the smells and sounds I have come to enjoy in my life.

Today I have sadness for family dealing with issues. I have sadness for family in fear of the current state of affairs. I have sadness for friends looking at financial hardships. I have sadness for friends with health issues.

I have even more sadness for some that are so very selfish that they only care about themselves. It certainly changes how I see some people. It makes me wonder why some people are even in my circle.

I want today to be done. I want this hurt in my heart to lesson. I want to wake up from this nightmare. While I am feeling a little better physically, today my heart hurts.

Day 35- LSS Attitude of Gratitude – Blog/Sadness of Shooting – There is always something to be grateful for.

Last night I was thinking about preparing for Thanksgiving. Probably my favorite holiday for so many reasons. It is such a time for family above all else. I have some very fond memories of thanksgivings past. I am more than a little tentative about this Thanksgiving under the circumstances.  With this on my mind I drifted off to sleep. As usual I did not sleep through the night. The second time I awoke I was unable to go back to sleep. I came upstairs and turned on the TV. My usual routine is to turn on something I have seen or heard tons of times before. That makes it easier to try and veg out. 

Sadly I was horrified of the news of yet another shooting in a nearby town. These innocent people who went out to have some fun with friends lost their lives for no reason. A civil servant almost ready for retirement never to go home again. It is so devastating to think that this continues to happen again and again with no end in sight.

I so wanted to sit today with my wonderful memories and serious plans to try and have a good holiday this year. Instead today my heart is again in mourning. I want it to stop.  I need it to stop. I pray for it to stop. 

I am grateful that I will have Thanksgiving this year. Be it a small intimate group or a large gathering, I will celebrate with loved ones.  Those whose lives were taken won’t have this or any other holidays ever again. 

Today I am sad.


From Soul Mama


Even in the difficult times there are ways to be grateful. Check here.