SoCS

Written for Linda G. Hill’s SoCS prompt, where she’s given us “left alone” and suggested that we use it any way we’d like.

As much as I have felt loved and supported in my cancer journey, it has still been a time of solitude. I have been left alone with my thoughts for most of the time. From the original diagnosis day, when my brain went to  doom and gloom, to the wonderful news that the chemotherapy had worked, I’ve been left alone in my head to deal with it all. In reality, everyone is alone with their thoughts most of the time. It’s when you’d rather not be alone with your thoughts that you greatfully welcome others in.

 I have loved ones whose support has meant the world to me. I don’t think I could have made it without my tribe. I have been blessed with many amazing people letting me know they care. I have sadly, also been surprised by the lack of support from a few people I thought were friends. Clarity comes when facing this kind of crisis.

Now that my infusions are completed, my life is on a new journey. My goals are concentrating on taking care of myself. Dreams of my future are getting back in focus.

I am grateful for the opportunities to be a part of the real world. My granddaughter graduated from high school Thursday night. She worked hard to finish a year early. While we were unable to attend in person, we were thrilled to watch the graduation on a live stream. We had a better view of her, than her parents did in the stands. I am grateful for technology.

Yesterday, we made the 2+ hour drive to my daughter’s house for a small BBQ celebration. Even after our arriving late, because of a crash ahead of us on the freeway, my granddaughter was not ready. Why a beautiful 16 year old, needs such a great deal of time to “doll herself up” is beyond me. 😆  She and her girlfriends looked more adult than necessary. IMHO. I know I am just the old grandma 👵.

I decided to break all of my dietary rules for the BBQ.. I had done my hour of water physical therapy in the morning.  I had picked up See’s candy for my granddaughter without getting ANYTHING for myself. I had taken a restorative nap. I wanted to celebrate her graduation. I wanted to participate in a joyful life experience. I had a couple of BBQd hot dogs. ( but only one bun) I had some potato chips too. I didn’t indulge in any sweets because skipping store bought cupcakes is easy for me.

Even with the exhaustion, I felt more “normal” than I have in a long time. Being present for another milestone in my grandchildren’s lives is a wonderful gift I am greatful for.

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Getting Back In The Groove – SoCS

I am a creature of habit. Every morning I get up about 6 am without an alarm. I take my meds. I feed Annie, and typically we go out back and play together. Since my chemo treatments, our playtime varies in length. When I am feeling OK, I try to do something in my yard. My routine varies very little. Most of time, I need a nap after I complete a chore. Since completing my infusions, I have been gaining a little more strength every day. 

As I have been regaining my taste buds, I have been cooking more. Typically, I am eating two meals a day now. My usual routine was to blog at night. I would try to clear my mind of my daily dramas. Blogging was an escape.

Sadly, there’s been a great deal of drama going on in my life lately. It might be, that because I am clearing out some of the chemo fog, more issues are impacting my spirits. There is no doubt that I am facing critical issues right now. The difference is how they are affecting me. I’ve not been myself. 

I promised myself that I’d get back to blogging by my birthday Thursday. I yearned to get back into my usual routine.  I didn’t make it though.

The emotional and financial turmoil have interrupted my ability to get back to a new normal.

I am financially responsible for all four parts of my Medicare. When I started teaching, teachers did not pay into SS. My former tax man gave me terrible advice. He told me SS was a sinking ship that would be bankrupt by the time I reached 65. On his advice, I chose not to contribute when the laws changed for teachers.

Paying for part A, Part B, Part D and part G was something I avoided as long as I could. I finally started Medicare last fall. The universe took care of me because Medicare was much better than the HMO I had been on with my spouse. My cancer treatments no longer required “approval.” My oncologist could take care of me properly without fighting the insurance system.

Now that I am done with my infusions I am beginning the next phase of my recovery. My heart sank when I was  told my copay for my new medication was a few thousand dollars each month. At first I was told that I would be responsible for about 60 grand for the minimum 2 years of medications. My future dreams of moving to a new house seemed crushed. My entire retirement check would be going to paying for medical responsibilities and insurance payments. I was so shocked I couldn’t think straight.  After numerous calls to the specialty prescription company and my part D insurance company, I think I have more clarity. Hopefully, I will not be required to spend thousands on my medication after this first dosage. It’s still a hit, but one that I think I can handle.

I am also speaking with the restoration company trying to get my house put back together. I want to get back to sleeping in my ground floor bedroom. I want my old routine. I want to move back downstairs where I’ve slept for 38 years.

I am anxious for a new normal. I’d like to be able to take care of myself physically and financially. My new medication has its own side effects. So far, I am feeling a little tired, but nothing I can’t handle. I expect more side effects, but I am praying that I don’t succumb to all the possibilities explained to me by the pharmacist. I won’t lie, our extended phone conversation made me nervous.

After signing for the prescription, hand delivered to my door, I was nervous about taking the pills. This new routine, that I must follow for at least two years, is daunting. I will follow the routine because it is my best hope for fighting the cancer. I will make a new normal step by step. This ship is not going to sink.

 

Written for MLMM Sunday Confessionals, hosted by Oloriel. This week, for Sunday Confessionals, we were invited to create or share a creation that delves into your personal habits and custom. Also written for Linda’s SoCS prompt.

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “sink/sank/sunk.” 

 

SoCS May 6

Check out Linda’s post to learn all about Stream of Consciousness Saturday.

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “a song from your childhood.” Think of a song from your childhood and just write. Have fun!

I liked to sing as a child. I was as off key as anyone could be. It didn’t matter to me then. We had music days at school and I remember singing very loud. I was totally unaware of my inability to carry a tune.

The first song that came to mind was “My Grandfather’s Clock.” I loved that song.  My grandfather did not have a grandfather clock. But the idea that someone would dedicate a song to a grandpa and a clock enthralled me. The version below is similar to the one I remember from my childhood.

I like the Johnny Cash version even better.

SoCS April 15

SoCS from Linda this week states: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “starts with mono.” Find a word that starts with “mono” and use it in your post. Enjoy!

I messed up last Sunday and wrote a post for the A to Z challenge. It’s a good thing that I am not on the “official” A to Z program. That means I can make some mistakes.

So today, I shall write an SoCS post and continue A to Z on Monday. That should get me back in line. 

My current life feels like a lonely monologue.
I talk to myself every morning.
How do I feel and what, if anything, am I up to doing?
My body wellness can change in a moment.
One minute I feel great.
I have enough energy to get dressed.
Stand up, get dizzy, and I decide I’m actually not up to getting dressed.
I lie back down and drift off to sleep.
I get up, make matzo ball soup, make nacho meat, and make chicken soup.
It’s time to take a nap.
I’m too exhausted to eat after the cooking.
I take meds as needed and go to bed.
I awake multiple times in the night to vomit.
Here I go again.
My body is expelling the toxins from my chemo.
I am unsure what the morning will bring.
I wake up, feeling dizzy but not too bad.
I know I can’t eat anything, but juice should stay down.
Go downstairs and get under the electric blanket.
Turn on Amazon Prime and find something to laugh at.
Snuggle with Annie.
Get startled by spam phone calls.
Try to make a DMV appointment to renew my license.
Get frustrated.
Finally make the appointment.
Take a nap.
Can I keep some food down?
Do I even want to try?

Share Your World

SYW is graciously hosted by Di every Monday.

Di’s  questions:

1. Do you have a favorite movie? I do not have a favorite movie. I have seen some movies multiple times, but I can’t say that I have an all time favorite.

2. Who is you favorite actor and actress? Again, I can’t say that I have a favorite. There are many that I like following. I will say that I try my best to find anything Robin Williams was in..

3. Do you attend or have you ever attended a live theater production? I have attended numerous live theater plays. I used to enjoy them very much. I started going to plays when I was a teenager. The last play I went to was in was 2015. I was so happy that they had balcony seats that were mandated fragrance free areas. With my scent allergies, I could not attend any closed in performances.

Now, I would not attend any such gathering. I don’t like being in crowds. I don’t feel safe around anyone because of Covid. Having chemotherapy means I need to isolate anyway. 

4. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/actress? Heck NO!!