Feeling My Feelings – I am OK

Like the rest of the world my emotions have been off the charts lately. If I didn’t know better, I would say that I am under a great deal of stress. Everyone is stressed. Everyone has their own things they are dealing with as well as the shared anxiety of what is going on in the world today. I have not been up to blogging for a while. That is my indicator that I need to refocus my brain on to things I can control. So today I am giving my inner self time for a pity party. Then I will hug my inner child, let her know it is OK to feel her feelings, and then move on.

A = I feel abandoned by the world. It has betrayed my sense of safety and security. I feel aghast at the stupid people not staying at home for absurd reasons. I am angry for the lack of truth being told in my world.

B = I feel beaten down by the sad state of affairs in the world. Day by day things get worse and it makes me sad. I have been betrayed by someone that should care about my feelings and does not. I am bothered that I cannot do what I should do right now because of what is happening.

C = I am feeling caged in only because I hoped once the shingles pain ceased, I would be able to venture out into the world. I have no desire to stop being uber cautious during this time. I do not feel as connected as I wish I was.

D = I am feeling defenseless while trying to control my environment. Being in lock down with this overarching feeling is daunting to say the least. My gratitude bucket is feeling depleted right now. It is difficult to not have hugs nor comfort.

E = I am exhausted all the time lately. I am thoroughly enraged that some political people believe I am dispensable because I am 65.

F = I am frightened by the numbers that increase daily because I know they will get worse before getting better. I know that each “number” is someone that is loved. I am often floundering as I try to stay positive. I am fuming at the politicians who lie. I am frustrated by my inability to go through my emails. I have 413 right now and that depresses me.

G = I am gloomy when I cannot find joy. I try hard and sometimes I am not successful.

H = I am heartsick that I cannot hug those that I love. I hope they know how much I love them.

I = I am feeling isolated from those I love. I am impatient with myself often.

J = I am joyless more often than I care to admit.

K = I am having difficulty being kind to myself. I know I should do more self-care.

L = I feel lethargic which is uncomfortable to me.

M = I am feeling morose which is not my normal. On a better day I feel melancholy which is also not my normal. I am mistrustful of the world right now which makes me mopey.

N = I am nauseated every day which I attribute to the stress I am feeling.

O = I am feeling out of balance, out of sorts, and out of control.

P = I am having panicking moments which I hate. I am peeved by my inability to stay calm. I am pissed off at some people’s inability to be rational.

Q = I am feeling queasy over some decisions I need to make.

R = My brain is rattled when I try to think about all that is different now. I am reconciled to some sadness not going away. I am feeling robbed of a retirement I dreamed of.

S = I am sad for the loss of my life as I knew it. I am feeling sluggish every day.

T = I am often tearful when I let my guard down. I am in turmoil when I try to make decisions right now.

U = I am uncomfortable with what my world looks like right now. I am unhappy that not everyone is looking out for each other. I am unnerved with the lack of progress being made to help people.

V = I am feeling very vulnerable right now. It feels like I am a victim of circumstances beyond my control.

W = I feel worn out almost every day. It feels like the joy has been drained out of me. I am woeful as to when this shall pass.

X = NA

Y = I am feeling yucky about my own feelings. That makes me sad.

Z = At times like this I wish (for a moment) that imbibed in booze or drugs so I could be zonked and oblivious to what is going on.

Here is the good news. I didn’t make it very far into the list and my brain was working on counterstatements. I wanted to write an answer to my own feelings. I wanted to write all the ways I am grateful right now. It made me laugh to think that I was already aware that these feelings were temporary. It was a good exercise for me. I am OK feeling all the yucky feelings. I am OK knowing they shall pass. I am OK knowing I will be back to some sort of normal soon. I am OK.  

Share Your World – March 23

 

Melanie posts four or five different questions each week to be answered.  So today I get to create a SYW post.  

Questions:

On A Scale Of 1-10, How Strict Were Your Parents? Being a single parent my mom had all the responsibility of raising three extremely different kids. Strictness depended on gender. Being the only girl, I had strict rules about doing chores. There were way to many. I knew I had to do them all. The reality is that I did them. I was not ever the victim of corporal punishment. I was given a tongue lashing one or twice. As a teen there were not really any rules enforced. Mom worked late into the night. As long as I was home before her I was OK. It is a miracle that I didn’t drink or do drugs like many of my friends. I knew I had to be responsible for myself, and I was.

What Wastes The Most Time In Your Day To Day Life? Being  retired means nothing is a “waste” of my time. I get to do what I want, when I want.

Do They Bury People With Their Braces* On?   (* “braces” in this scenario are those metal bits they put on people to straighten their teeth.   I realize “braces” are also some item of clothing that I believe men wear to keep their socks up or something.  I’m talking about the teeth option). I never thought of this. So if course I had to do some research. It seems they can be left or removed depending on the wishes of the family and if the ortho wants them back because evidently they are the property of the doc, not the patient. Having never had braces because we could not afford them, it will not be an issue for me.

Why Does A Round Pizza Come In A Square Box? Have you ever tried to stack round thing? It is easier to fold a square box, to stack square boxes, and to walk holding square boxes. IMHO

Gratitude:   Share something you are grateful for right now.  I know that’s a tough question.  It helps to share those bright bits with folks though, because many of us are seeing through an increasingly dark glass.

october 2019

I am grateful for my Zs. 

#What Day Is It Anyway – March 22

StockSnap_IQBISVB3M1-minLinda has started yet another great topic to blog. Go here for more info.

Since retirement, I have often wondered what day it was. But as the rest of the world was still functioning on a normal basis, I was required to be aware of the day and or date. 

This is no longer the case. Now everyone is living in a forced “retirement” frame of mind. Everyone must be careful with their money. Everyone must think about their health. Everyone must look inward to their joys and memories.   

I have been dealing with a variety of medical issues added to my preexisting ones. Some days even blogging is beyond my abilities. Typically, I blog in the evening. But today I am rejoicing and while I feel well, I want to get my thoughts on paper, so to say.

I have not needed meds for pain or sleep for 2 days now. That is huge to me. I am so grateful. I awoke not knowing what day it was and I didn’t care. I awoke without the nausea for the first time in 6 days. I am so grateful. I think I am over the flu bug. I did a check in with my body and my shingles pain is down to a 3 right now. I am rejoicing. I literally had to look at a pain scale chart to see where I was. I am all about the accuracy.

I slept from 10:30 until 4 this morning. I am giddy about that. Annie opened her eyes and happily went back to sleep until 5:55. She then decided she could not or would not wait until 6 for breakfast. So, I fed her. We all know who runs this house.

Yesterday was better than the day before and I hope today is better than yesterday.

I attempted to make an angel food cake yesterday. I wanted to use up the old eggs. I cooled the glass bowl in the fridge. I let the eggs come to room temperature. I sifted the dry ingredients three times, as directed. I do not have a stand mixer, so I substituted as needed. For whatever reason, the cake was an epic fail. I hoped maybe it would taste OK even though it was flat as a pancake. It did not. So off to the trash can it went. To be honest I laughed at the outcome. I was proud of myself for attempting to bake while not feeling my best.

Connections are so important right now. I am grateful that last week loved ones checked in on me. I was happy to reach out to others I care about. I was looking at Facebook at friends’ posts. There were many uplifting things to read. I started watching Crafting With the Shabby Tree. The woman is a genius with her creativity. I do laugh though because currently in my life I am decluttering and purging things. I will leave the turning everything into a new craft to the younger ones.

I am still tickled at all the children’s authors who are gifting the world with their reading of their own books. Parents can cuddle with their children and listen to the book being read by the creator. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqmNyLcWvS0&t=47s

Artists are playing their music from their homes and gifting the world with their talents. https://www.facebook.com/neildiamond/videos/666739913870005/

Spiritual people are doing meditations and talks online to help in these trying times. It makes me happy to see the goodness in people. https://www.facebook.com/Anita.Moorjani/videos/211464156758336/

My state, county, and now city have implemented a “Safer At Home” proclamation. I think this should have happened weeks ago. I believe we all need to do what we can to reduce the risk of exposure.

More people are experiencing the “What Day Is It Anyway?” With the current state of affairs, I am glad.