Welcome to Week #15 of the Saturday Six Word Story Prompt.
Welcome to Week #15 of the Saturday Six Word Story Prompt.
Linda Hill’s stream of consciousness makes my Saturday blog different than my norm.
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “loud.” Find any word that means “loud,” and use it any way you’d like in your post. Enjoy!
As is my usual goal I attempt to join my blog topic with her parameters.
When I read the topic this morning my head went to loud VS quiet. My inner voice is really loud right now. It is telling me to get things done, move forward, and stop being frightened. My reality however, is that it is my time to sit quietly with reflection. It is time for me to go inward and bunker down and put up my shields. Loud is not my friend right now.
Lately, my feelings have been all over the place. I am on a roller coaster that feels more frightening than I like. Too many tears, not enough joy lately in my life. I need to remind myself that where I am today is far improved from where I was last year. As I enter a new phase, I keep encouraging myself with the knowledge that in six months I will be in a better place.
I enjoy reading uplifting Facebook memes. I am grateful for the messages from the universe. I am grateful for the contacts from my friends. I am grateful for the knowledge that pain now will lead to happiness in my future.
I have the most difficulty accepting the fact that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be treated as a worthwhile person. As I interact with others, I am happily aware of their kindness toward me. My gratitude for that is palpable. I need to remind myself to verbally express my gratitude for them and not just keep it in my heart.
I am acutely aware that everyone has a variety of things on their plates. When we interact with others, we see just a small part of who they are. Unless they share, we don’t know the depths of their angst. When I talk with some friends, I feel the weight of their challenges. I wish I could ease their pain. I am doing my best right now to deal with my own challenges. I feel drained and void of energy.
I know I need to try to find things that make me happy. I am working on breaking negative patterns. I love to bake sweets when I am troubled. Many times, this past week I have contemplated making brownies, cookies, cakes, and candy. I know that the immediate gratification of the process of baking would lead to the negative reality of wanting to eat them all.
I rarely eat out because there are too many unknowns in the food. This means I need to make meals at home. I realized that I was existing on oatmeal and cottage cheese. For days, I have had no desire to leave the house to get nutritious foods to cook. Yesterday, I finally went to the store and purchased some things that really spoke to me. It felt good to leave the house. It felt good to make myself some yummy food. It felt good to take care of myself. I am grateful for the ability to stop myself from spiraling.
I need to get back to doing some things every day that make me happy. I am focusing too much on my sadness. I have so much to be grateful for. I know that a metamorphosis usually requires breaking out of an old shell. I’ve cracked the surface and now I must climb through the hard parts. If I stretch my wings, I will fly. I will be grateful for finally doing what is best for me.
Sometimes mowing the lawn is so much more than just mowing the lawn.
I am grateful for the ability and knowledge to complete the task today. Even if it used all my spoons.
Linda hosts One-Liner Wednesday. Check out her blog to see who else is playing along this week.
I am working through some things right now. The fact that I am retired is helpful because it means I don’t have to stuff my feelings down while I live my life. I am able to have deep conversations with myself that no one else need be privy to. As others enter and exit my direct contact I return to my thoughts. The good, the bad, and the ugly have free reign in my head.
Sometimes I want to just view the good thoughts. Right now, I am purposefully looking at the ugly ones. I am also remembering both good and bad experiences with my mom’s passing. The right to have dignity in death is a soap box I will never step down from.
I have been making decisions to do and not do some things to keep my brain straight. I listened to Martha Beck without commenting. I wanted to hear her wisdom. I chose to not do a couple of SARK dessert calls. I din’t want the distraction of kibitzing with others for the friend connections. I chose to speak with my dear friends yesterday. They are an important loving, grounding for me.
This morning as my daughter and I spoke before she left for her doctor’s appointment, I was very aware of the fact that the world moves forward with or without my feelings. The world does not care that I am trying to put on the brakes for the time being. I am aware of my bird walking techniques to avoid doing the hard-emotional work I need to do.
Today after I return from dropping off my packages, I shall shut out the world and sit with my pen and papers. The world will move forward. The Netflix I want to watch will wait. The laundry isn’t going anywhere. The 348 yahoo messages in my in-box won’t care that I am still neglecting them. The holiday decorations in the 3 huge buckets sitting on my living room floor, will still be there after I accomplish my tasks. The rest of my life will be OK if I put everything on hold. The rest of the world will go on without me. I am grateful for my quiet time. I am grateful for soul searching. I am grateful for the task at hand.
The last couple of days have been challenging physically as well as emotionally. I am trying hard to keep my head above water by dividing my time between what I want to do, what I need to do, and what I must do.
Today would have been my mom’s 89 birthday. Two wonderful amazing women sent me love and messages of support today. The fact that they remembered and reached out to me are not a surprise. People who know and care about you intuitively know when you are feeling low. My heart is happy with them in my life. My sadness is not overwhelming, just one more component of my mood.
My body is still in a flare. I know it is stress related. I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. He was running very late. I spent three hours there for a five-minute consultation. His staff kept apologizing stating he was running late. This doesn’t bother me because I know he is helping people. I used the time to try and decompress. I did over an hour of stretches in the side waiting room. I really didn’t care if others thought I was crazy or not. I needed to move.
When I saw the doc, I went over my current symptoms. He told me to continue with the protocol I was following. He had no advice for the reduction of my current pain. He told me to call if I needed to see him for a difficult IC flare. He gave me some options for invasive treatments, but I want to delay them if possible.
I have been sewing for days. I enjoy sewing, but I tend to overdue my time on task. I like to alternate my difficult list making with my sewing. Both need to be accomplished in a short period of time. Both are important to me. I finished my necessary sewing today. Tomorrow I will mail off the dolls, clothes, and bags I made to hold them. I am not finished with my list. It is a challenge I am working on for myself.
My brain moves from task to task changing gears to keep me sane. I have been dealing with an overload of feelings. Sad, overwhelm, clarity, depression, joy, fear, worry, etc., are all parts of me right now. Most are expected, some are surprising. I am grateful I can acknowledge my feelings.
My body is responding to my stress levels in totally expected ways. I am grateful I know what to expect. I am grateful I can try and help my body with its ills. I am grateful I am on a forward moving path. I am grateful for all the changes I am accepting.
Note to self:
I am still blogging, but I am bogged down right now with stress. Some of my stress is self-induced. Some is caused by people who state they want the best for you and then hurt you. It is a walk I do not enjoy.
Emotional stress causes physical flares in my body. Pain levels rise and as I do not medicate with conventional products, it means I need to amp up my natural ones.
Flares mean I do not have the energy to do what I want to do nor what I need to do. I push through to the best of my ability. Sometimes that is not a good idea. Flares mean my emotions are magnified. Hurts are deeper. This inevitably means a vicious cycle.
Flares mean some of the things that would help elevate my mood are not possible right now.
I am grateful for the outlets I have that bring me joy. I am grateful that I know I am a good person. I am grateful that I know things will get better. I am grateful for my support fur baby.
From Donna, ” Due to the subject matter, and because December is a sort of celebration month. For some people. For others? It’s very bitter sweet or even down right depressing. If you’re one of the latter, make sure to take care of yourself during this time. Lots and lots of help available.”
What’s your remedy for the Holiday blues?
Your favorite beverage (if it differs) during the holiday season? If it doesn’t differ, just answer the ‘what’s your favorite beverage” part.
This one has been asked before, but what’s your take on pumpkin spice?
Is there is a person or god connected with your holiday?
What’s your remedy for the Holiday blues? I try to keep myself busy. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I need to keep myself occupied with activities so my mind doesn’t take over. I love to donate to others during the season. I tey to saty focused on the things I am grateful for and not the pain my heart feels.
Your favorite beverage (if it differs) during the holiday season? If it doesn’t differ, just answer the ‘what’s your favorite beverage” part. Sadly, with my new diagnosis of IC, I am severly limited on beverages. The only “safe” beverages are water, blueberyy jouice, and pear juice. Even in super small doses the fruit juices are too sweet. So my new normal all year round is water. I am grateful my illness is in remission. I will continue to follow the diet restrictions if it means lowered pain levels.
This one has been asked before, but what’s your take on pumpkin spice? I am not a fan of pumpkin spice. It is a little overwhelming for me.
Is there is a person or god connected with your holiday? Yes, I celebrate my holiday with the knowledge of G-d. I consider myself a cultural Jew. I do not agree with nor do I suscribe to organized religion. I believe that everyone can and should enjoy religious freedom. I believe noone should shove their beliefs on anyone else.
Who are they and do you believe in them? See above. My higher power, whom I call G-d, exists everywhere in my belief system.
If you do not believe in these people or gods,does the celebration/honoring of that being, bother you in any way (e.g., ignored, dismissed, angry, etc.)? In my opinion Hanukkah has become way too much like Christmas. It is a minor holiday. But that being said, I see why families make a big deal out of the eight nights celebrations. In a perfect world for me I would do something with family or friends for most of the evenings. I like the way many are now committing each night to a specific type of gift. Here is a great article about the types of gifts to give. Here is another great list of ideas. To me the reason to celebrate is to remember our history and to connect with our family. I am retired now, and there have been less and less get-togethers. Family is spread out, MIA, busy, and/or busy celebrating Christmas. Things are different and it can be sad.
Here are a few of the many songs I enjoy during this time of year. The funny thing here is that I adore Christmas music. I have thirty plus CDs from different artists. I don’t celebrate Christmas but I love the music.
I also love Hanukkah music.
And of course:
Years ago, I made this two sided quilt. I was very pleased with the colors and the pattern I designed. I even made pillows to match. The colors are perfect with my brightly painted guest/sewing room. I sent the tops to be quilted. Unfortunately, I did not make the dimensions exactly the same on each side. I am a beginner and never took that into consideration.
When I received the quilt back I was very disappointed in the edges not being the same all around the quilt. I was so upset I put the quilt in the linen closet and never finished the binding. While sorting, cleaning, and purging, I came across the unfinished quilt in my linen closet. Frustrated with my inability to use the quilt I decided the time had come to do something.
I trimmed the edges to get them as even as possible. I pinned the binding as carefully as I could. Then, I sewed the binding. It’s finished. All those years of not using my beautiful quilt could depress me. Instead, I am grateful for finishing it.
Now my pillows have their matching quilt.
I began this post prior to midnight, but I know I won’t finish it quickly enough to beat the midnight bong.
I am still happily in working and purging mode. I separated my flannel fabric by size. I am going to donate the small pieces to a quilter’s guild. I know they will be put to good use. I am not making many baby quilts any longer. There are a few larger pieces that I may be able to piece together to make another night gown. That sounds more than appealing.
I ventured out of the house for the first time in 4 or 5 days. I needed to go to JoAnn’s to get elastic and thread. I promised myself I would not buy any fabric. Luckily the store was very crowded, and the cutting line was very long. I wasn’t even tempted to join the chaos. Going to just one store filled my need to leave the house. After returning home it was time for a few Facebook watch videos.
The turkey was finally gone, and I decided to make some comfort food on this cold day. I made mac and cheese and had it baking while I waited for my Sunday night zoom meeting. The call was moved to a later time. It was great to catch up with a dear friend. We missed our third party. Hopefully all is well in her world.
I cleaned up my fabric mess and decided to search for the doll patterns I purchased long ago. I was unsuccessful. I did discover two large binders in a file drawer stuffed with recipes. A change of plans ensued.
I moved the stacks to the floor. I looked at each and every recipe with the plan of reducing the clutter. As I reviewed the ingredients, the type of dish it made, and the knowledge if I ever made the recipe, I was able to purge. I found a few recipes written by my mom. That made me happy.
I filled the bedroom trash can with the recyclable papers. I needed a second trash can. I was determined to complete this chore properly. It took until 11:30 to finish round one. Many recipes were for desserts I should not eat. Many were for things I cannot eat any longer. I will not put the remaining papers in the binder until I complete a second-round tomorrow.
I am grateful for the decision to purge unneeded items. I take joy in seeing empty spaces in my home. I am grateful that tomorrow I can continue completing things that give me pleasure. I am grateful that I am in a good place.