Reaching For My New Normal

I was bound and determined to blog yesterday, Obviously, I didn’t make it though. So tonight I have the option of putting away a load of crud strewn around my living room, or blog. I am choosing to blog. At least enough to dip my toes back in the water.

I’ve been in an emotional upheaval for months. Between very serious issues my loved ones are dealing with, my personal challenges, and the horrors going on in the world, life has been hard. For quite awhile, I’ve felt very fragile. When more issues crossed my path than I could handle, I’d isolate and repeat the serenity prayer over and over again.   

Sadly, the world is still a s^^t show. I can do very little but donate to help those suffering in Israel. I have family that were visiting Israel for a wedding when the terrorist attacks began. They made it home safe and sound. (Thank G-d) I was forwarded videos of events going on while they were still there. I chose to watch them because I knew I could not handle it.

Unhappily, most of the dreadful things that my loved ones have been dealing with, are still not resolved. My heart hurts daily. 

I am doing well physically. I am still NED. (No Evidence of Disease) In a few weeks, I will have another CT scan and MRI to check on my insides. I do have anxiety about the scans, commonly called scanxiety. Every time I need to go, I wonder what I’ll hear.   

It’s been a year since my cancer surgery. As promised by my oncologist, at the one year mark, I am noticing that I have more physical energy. I can accomplish more than one task a day now. I am trying my best to do at least one creative thing a day. My new normal is much better than it was even a few months ago.   

Today, I went in search of a journal. I want to get back to writing daily as a means of keeping track of my thoughts and wellness. I was unsuccessful in finding one I liked. I thought about just writing in a spiral notebook, but that doesn’t seem like the best choice either. I think the best thing for me will be to type up an outline and then get it printed. Who knows? 

I look forward to getting back to the wonderful community I miss so much.

Sad True Feelings

https://fb.watch/o67yL75hOO/?mibextid=Nif5oz

A friend sent me this Facebook video. It made me cry. It is honest and explains well how I have been feeling.

Halloween Dance Memories

Beautiful fall days
Reminiscent of the dance decades ago
Promises made but then betrayed
Confidant we’d be together forever
Until, l I caught them kissing
On our special Halloween night
He suspected nothing when I’d invited him over
He still resides alone, in my basement

Written for Melissa’s Fandango Flash Fiction Challenge. Image credit: Artur Tumasjan on Unsplash.

Also written for d’Verse’s Quadrille challenge . The challenge was to write a poem of 44 words (excluding the title), and it can take any form. This week’s challenge was to use the word “fall” in a Quadrille.

On the Lighter Side

My “Almost” Cobb Salad

While running errands a few days ago I treated myself to a Cobb Salad at The Habit. It’s a fast food restaurant. I wanted to be good so I avoided the yummy burger and fries they make. I ordered their Cobb, without bacon of course. It was great. I also didn’t use thier dressing. It was not so good.

I got the idea in my head that I can make this at home. After all, I’ve been making Cheesecake Factory’s Shiela’s Chicken Salad at home for a long time. I like mine better than theirs.

I went to Costco yesterday after water physical therapy. Believe it or not, I was in and out in just a couple of minutes. I bought myself a rotisserie chicken so that I could make a Cobb Salad today.

In order to remind myself of the necessary ingredients, this morning I looked up the recipe online. Low and behold, I was off base on numerous ingredients.

I got out a big bowl and added my organic spring mix instead of the iceberg or romain lettuce called for. Does it really matter?

I then added my grape tomatoes. I did not use the larger tomatoes they called for. Does it really matter?

I retrieved the hard boiled eggs I made yesterday from my fridge. As I cracked them they were a pain in the behind to peel. I almost tossed them in my salad with tiny bits of shells on them. That would definitely have mattered. I chose to fight the eggs even if I lost some of it.

I picked up my avocado from the counter. Most of it was overripe and unusable. I cut out the good parts and added them to my salad. Then I took an avocado out of my fridge. Only part of it was OK to use. This salad was not as easy to make as I expected.

The blue cheese crumbles were perfect. I restrained myself from adding too much and ruining it.

I do not eat pork bacon, but before my cancer I did eat beef bacon. Now, I am not supposed to eat any processed meat. I enjoyed the salad without bacon when I ate out, but knowing that I ate beef bacon at home is a different story. Does it really matter?

Oh such a silly thing to be fretting about. I made my almost a cobb salad. It was amazing. No, it was not a ” by the books” cobb salad. But it was a step toward normal thoughts.

I am grateful for my almost cobb salad.

Today was not a day of tears. It was a day of fun.

More Productive Than I Give Myself Credit For

I tend to think that I haven’t done anything productive with my time this year. And that’s true for some periods of time. Yet, when I look at the stack of books I’ve read and projects I’ve completed, I realize I have been doing things. Everything takes more time now. Days that I do nothing, are OK too.

I’ve been utilizing Audible and Chirp to listen to audio books when I can’t physically hold a book, or focus on reading. These are some of my favorite books I’ve listened to recently.

The Lost Shtetl by Max Gross
The Soul of It All by Michael Bolton
Robin Williams by Emily Herbert
Rebbe by Joseph Telushkin
A Road Trip to Remember by Judith Keim
The Girls in the Stilt House by Kelly Mustian
New Arrivals at Hedgehog Hollow by Jessica Redland
Finding Love at Hedgehog Hollow by: Jessica Redland
City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert
How to Be Your Own Therapist: Boost your mood and reduce your anxiety in 10 minutes a day by Owen O’Kane
Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: And Other Things I’ve Learned by: Alan Alda
Spare by: Prince Harry The Duke of Sussex
The Story of Chicago May by: Nuala O’Faolain
Diary of a Death Doula by Debra Diamond Ph.D.

TV has been a great distracter also. Since my cousin visited months ago, I cut the cable cord. I have been binge watching shows. Some require my full attention. Some are just background distractions.

All the seasons and episodes of NYPD Blue
All the seasons and episodes of Army Wives
All the seasons and episodes of Psych
All the seasons and episodes of Mike and Molly
All the seasons and episodes of Tribunal Justice
All the seasons and episodes of Judy Justice
All the seasons and episodes of The New Will and Grace
All the seasons and episodes of Dharma and Greg
All the seasons and episodes of Wings
All the seasons and episodes of Private Practice
All the seasons and episodes of Superior Donuts
Most of the seasons and episodes of Suits
Most of the seasons and episodes of The Lincoln Lawyer

I’ve filled two large cabinets with items that I will move to my next house. I’ve donated multiple car loads of items to charities. I’ve given away loads of yard art and outdoor furniture. In preparation to list my house, I removed over 20 pieces of art from my walls and bubble wrapped them. I’ve thinned out all my book shelves. I’ve cleaned out my garage. I’ve sorted and cleaned out all my tools, my fabrics, my needles and pins, my buttons, my patterns, and my quilt books. I’ve painted all the closets in my bedrooms. I’ve neutralized the accent walls in my bedrooms by painting them a light blue. I painted my magenta upstairs bathroom, a light blue-gray.

Now, I’m working on joyful things. Last year, during the holiday season, I was in a great deal of pain and searching for the cause. I was unable to spend Hanukkah with my grandkids because I was recovering from major surgery. This year, I am making items for my family. I’ve been scrapbooking and sewing whenever I am up to it. It brings me joy to use my creativity to make gifts. A little shopping goes a long way to bring me joy too. I am looking forward to the fall and winter holidays this year.

I am grateful for the strength I have to be creative. Right now, my productivity is measured by my ability to think of items to gift to those I love. Thinking clearly is something I am very grateful for. Not all days are the same, but all my days have some joy in them.