It’s past midnight and sleep is alluding me so why not do my Sunday blog. My meditation has been on a freight train traveling one direction. For days now I have been pondering the effects of the lack of a good male father figure in my life. Saturday morning’s meditation was predominately spent crying for and with the little girl who never had a daddy to love her. This day, Sunday, is not my day. After meditating I tried to come up with something I could do to reclaim the day. I have not come up with a happy plan. Maybe sleeping on it will help.
After meditating I decided I needed to put away 5 items to help with my clutter cleaning objective. I thought 5 might be too many, but once I started I reached 10 things quickly. In an attempt to make sure I did something fun for myself I went to a thrift store. I needed one season of a specific series and it was there. I was so excited . I also purchased a bag of broken watches to add to my retirement bowling ball stash. While on my way to leave I came across an outdoor butterfly decoration. I felt it was a divinely inspired morning.
I went to home depot before returning home. I bought some Bondo. I have never used the product before. My handyman showed me how it works and I was eager to try my hand with it. The handyman installed a new pillar and I need to repair and repaint the other three. In addition to clutter clearing the next two weeks I am also trying to get some projects done.
In the afternoon I used the Bondo with fairly good success. Some spots were amazingly smooth and some were just OK. I ended up using the entire container as I kept finding more things that needed repairing. Later today I will sand again and get to painting my porch.
I finally attacked the neighbor’s hedge that is intruding on my yard. I filled one trash can and left the rest of the branches in a pile. I will finish after I bring the second can out front. I like the way the hedge looks when it is trimmed neatly. My preference would be for it to disappear but that s not in my control.
After making a yummy dinner I started to attack the paperwork on my dining room table. I had convinced myself it was an hour job at most. I was soooooo wrong. After filling one inside recycle trash can and one regular trash can I had made huge progress. It was almost midnight and I decided I had accomplished more than I thought was possible.
While clutter clearing all day I had many clarifying thoughts about male figures in my life. I have had many difficult experiences. I sought to find something good.
- To bio dad- Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for having wonderful parents who I adored.
- To T (My first step-father) – Thank you for giving me fond memories of days at the beach and pizza outings and outdoor movie nights.
- To Mr. B (My 6th grade teacher) Thank you for reading to our class every day. It was the first time I had ever had a man read to me. Thank you for coming to the house with cards from my classmates when I returned from the hospital after two months. Thank you for being there for all your students. Thank you for making sure I did not have to repeat the sixth grade.
- To Mr T (My speech and debate teacher) Thank you for seeing something in me I did not see. Thank you for your advice and guidance that allowed me to graduate from school early instead of dropping out. I have long since forgiven you for putting me in competitions that scared the heck out of me. Thank you for that.
- To W (Step dad number 7) Thank you for making my mother happy and treating her well. Thank you for being a loving grandpa to my children. Thank you for accepting the craziness that is our family. Thank you for seeing the truth when my mother did not.
- To Dr.E – Thank you for guiding me on the difficult path last year. I would not had made this wonderful growth without your expertise.
When I awake and the rest of the US is celebrating Father’s Day I once again will not participate. It is not a holiday for me. After completing some of my tasks, perhaps I will reclaim the day for happiness. It is sure worth a try.
Changed from a poem I read
Fathers Day is here… And deep inside I’m sad…For Father’s Day reminds me… I’ve never had a dad.