Day 250 – LSS Attitude of Gratitude – Blog/Not my holiday

It’s past midnight and sleep is alluding me so why not do my Sunday blog. My meditation has been on a freight train traveling one direction. For days now I have been pondering the effects of the lack of a good male father figure in my life. Saturday morning’s meditation was predominately spent crying for and with the little girl who never had a daddy to love her. This day, Sunday, is not my day. After meditating I tried to come up with something I could do to reclaim the day. I have not come up with a happy plan. Maybe sleeping on it will help.       

After meditating I decided I needed to put away 5 items to help with my clutter cleaning objective. I thought 5 might be too many, but once I started I reached 10 things quickly. In an attempt to make sure I did something  fun for myself I went to a thrift store. I needed one season of a specific series and it was there. I was so excited . I also purchased a bag of broken watches to add to my retirement bowling ball stash. While on my way to leave I came across an outdoor butterfly decoration. I felt it was a divinely inspired morning.     

I went to home depot before returning home. I bought some Bondo. I have never used the product before.  My handyman showed me how it works and I was eager to try my hand with it. The handyman installed a new pillar and I need to repair and repaint the other three. In addition to clutter clearing the next two weeks I am also trying to get some projects done.

In the afternoon I used the Bondo with fairly good success. Some spots were amazingly smooth and some were just OK. I ended up using the entire container as I kept finding more things that needed repairing. Later today I will sand again and get to painting my porch.

I finally attacked the neighbor’s hedge that is intruding on my yard. I filled one trash can and left the rest of the branches in a pile. I will finish after I bring the second can out front. I like the way the hedge looks when it is trimmed neatly. My preference would be for it to disappear but that s not in my control.   

After making a yummy dinner I started to attack the paperwork on my dining room table. I had convinced myself it was an hour job at most. I was soooooo wrong. After filling one inside recycle trash can and one regular trash can I had made huge progress. It was almost midnight and I decided I had accomplished more than I thought was possible.   

While clutter clearing all day I had many clarifying thoughts about male figures in my life. I have had many difficult experiences.  I sought to find something good.

  1. To bio dad- Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for having wonderful parents who I adored. 
  2. To T (My first step-father) – Thank you for giving me fond memories of days at the beach and pizza outings and outdoor movie nights. 
  3. To Mr. B (My 6th grade teacher) Thank you for reading to our class every day. It was the first time I had ever had a man read to me. Thank you for coming to the house with cards from my classmates when I returned from the hospital after two months. Thank you for being there for all your students. Thank you for making sure I did not have to repeat the sixth grade.
  4. To Mr T (My speech and debate teacher) Thank you for seeing something in me I did not see. Thank you for your advice and guidance that allowed me to graduate from school early instead of dropping out. I have long since forgiven you for putting me in competitions that scared the heck out of me. Thank you for that.
  5. To W (Step dad number 7) Thank you for making my mother happy and treating her well. Thank you for being a loving grandpa to my children. Thank you for accepting the craziness that is our family. Thank you for seeing the truth when my mother did not. 
  6. To Dr.E – Thank you for guiding me on the difficult path last year. I would not had made this wonderful growth without your expertise. 

When I awake and the rest of the US is celebrating Father’s Day I once again will not participate. It is not a holiday for me. After completing some of my tasks, perhaps I will reclaim the day for happiness. It is sure worth a try.

Changed from a poem I read

Fathers Day is here… And deep inside I’m sad…For Father’s Day reminds me… I’ve never had a dad.


Day 244 – LSS Attitude of Gratitude – Blog/ Being bored will never be my problem.

As I pondered the question, “What are you going to do today?” I laughed out loud. Not only do I have tons of things I need to do, but even more things I want to do. My hope is, in this new life experience called retirement, I can manage a balance that makes me happy.

I am enjoying SWW. Because of less time constraints I have the opportunity to participate more. Yesterday was a perfect example. I met a lovely woman and whether or not we connect again, the meeting was good for me. It also reminded me to reach out to some other ladies I need to contact.  I want to do the things that make me happy.                        

Along with my obvious time involved hobbies, I am seeking to do more purging of things that are weighing me down. I am currently looking at clutter clearing as a hobby because we seek out and find time for our hobbies. The first video on the clutter clearing challenge came today and I was grateful to have the time to watch. I love that the host kept emphasizing to do what parts felt right for you. I have resisted making an alter for personal reasons, but I am going to try and see how it feels. The host was quite emphatic that it does not have to be religious, just a place to breathe in energy. 

As of yet, I have not spent hardly any time reading. I have perused a few books to help decide what I’d like to read next.   I have not started my quilting. There is fabric left over from my glorious quilt that is calling me to create something. I am ignoring the call for right now. When I cleaned out the linen closet I recovered a stack of WIP that I need to attend to. My scrapbooking room was used to happily create two scrapbooks for a dear friend of my mothers.  I have found so many free webinars on a variety of topics that I could do nothing but watch my computer all day.   

So far I have been spending my time in my garden and cleaning up the giant mess that I call home. Every summer of my career has been spent getting caught up with all the things I do not usually have time for. I typically do a big chore every summer. This summer my huge task will be to go through all the school items I deposited in my garage. I am not one for trashing useful items. I have a few ideas of summer programs that might enjoy much of my belongings.

I have many household items in need of professional repair that I have put off forever. I know I should add getting things fixed to my list of things to do. My new situation is that I have lots and lots of time and I am in no urgent rush to get things done. I can’t see myself ever sitting around with nothing to do. The best part of all this is that I get to choose the things I feel like doing at the moment. I am joyfully wrapping my head around my new reality. 

Day 243 – LSS Attitude of Gratitude – Blog/Know what you want.

It was a very strange day today. From the early morning successes at purging and cleaning, to a  post on SARK, to messages throughout the day it seemed that I was being led to know what I want. I found this group somehow and as I cleaned this morning I asked myself what was necessary for me to be happy. I made the beds upstairs from the last grand kids visit. As I searched in the linen closet for sheets etc.  I realized it needed to be cleared. A short time later away went four bags of items to be delivered to Goodwill. There is actually empty space on my shelves. Without much effort I got what I wanted, one clutter free area.

Then came a post from SARK. She asked her SWW to answer three questions as a prompt for Tuesday night’s mentoring.   Respond to these 3 questions and I’ll be responding in a group way in class Tue/11. Your writing creates new vibrations and shifts~ 💅🏻 1. What I want to receive    2. Why I want to receive it     3. Describe the feeling state of receiving as though it’s already happening or happened”

I responded and I could already feel that as usual, if you feel what it is like to get what you want it is more likely to happen. 

I want to de-clutter and purge many things in my house. Finding the group working on this will help me continue my journey. I feel like I have made such success already and definitely want to continue the process. Lightening the load of “stuff” makes me happy.

I made a commitment to a retreat in the fall. I already feel I am benefiting from what will happen in the future. I know it is the right place for me. It means I will make some challenging leaps. I keep telling myself of the benefits.

I  decided to stay home today. Puttering out in the yard after cleaning upstairs felt right. My little gardens always need work. I am uplifted when I am working in  the planters, even if I am only there for a short time. As I sat in the downstairs swing my body felt relaxed and calm.  I want to have this feeling all the time. 

My lazy day today meant internet surfing, a SARK dessert Pop Up, and more sorting and cleaning. I met a wonderful woman in the pop up. We shared our stories of being in SWW, writing, and retirement. One of my personal goals is to reach out to people and make connections. It feels good when you get what you want.   

I did not get to meet up with my Sunday night peeps. They had other commitments. We will catch up later. I am so glad they are in my life. It feels right to share our lives.  I know I want their happiness as much as I want my own.           

The handyman I hired to do some outside repairs came for awhile and left again. He returned at 9:30 PM. I had already gone downstairs to read. I was so surprised at his working in the late hours of the night. I wanted my repairs done but this was a little ridiculous.         

I spent my day doing what I wanted. I accomplished a few things.  I didn’t get done with a few things I should have. There is always tomorrow. That feels like what I want to know in my heart. feed it.jpg