The topic of anger and how I deal with it has been on my mind. I am reading CNM and chapter 14 deals with anger. As usual thoughts from my conscious and unconscious meld together. For the last few days my meditations have focused on anger. That being said, it is not because I am angry. I have been thrust in to looking deeply at my history of dealing with anger.
As a child expressing my anger was not allowed. The feelings were bottled up and shoved behind my good girl persona. Children were to be seen and not heard. Buck up and deal with it kid. Do what you are told even if it seems unfair or unkind. Obviously, these feelings when brought up in meditation were surrounded by memories. The reminders of sadness and recognition of untreated emotional wounds was difficult. My inner little girl, the child I am working on re-parenting, deserves to feel angry when she needs to.
As a young married woman I had no idea of how to handle conflict and angry feelings. Once the honeymoon was over and the reality of life stepped in, I was ill equipped to deal with my spouse’s anger. He was a screamer, thrower of objects, and put his fists through walls. I had no idea how to respond or react. I had often seen anger expressed violently, but only in people under the influence. This new realm was a sad place to be. I thought about all the times I overreacted and all the times I repressed my hurt feelings. Neither did me any good.
Then further thoughts during meditation made me aware of how many times I was able to turn my anger in to good. My anger toward bio dad for stating I would never amount to anything pushed me to get my AA, then my BA, and then my MA. I am aware that I wanted to prove him wrong and I did. I am cognizant that anger from my childhood led me to a thirst for knowledge. I needed to learn how to do better for my children. The recognition that anger propelled me to seek a better life was comforting.
Here I am so many years later and now my coping with anger takes a variety of forms.
I am learning that it is OK to be angry.
I am better able to recognize what issues are worth being angry about.
It took me long enough, but I am so much more in-tuned to the “choose your battles” mentality.
When things make me angry now my typical go to reaction is to make a plan.
I am more capable now of seeing what is worth fighting for.
I know better now what things need me to take action.
It is now easier for me to comprehend when the anger is not really my issue but someone else’s.
I can see that some good can come from angry feelings.
I think I might actually finally write a few letters expressing my anger that are never to be sent.
While anger is not a fun topic, it is being illuminated for me. I am grateful for the ability to bring my feelings to the surface.