When Does It Get Easier?

I work with ardor to keep myself from becoming entrenched in sorrow. I became a practitioner of meditation, a patient to specialists, and a client to mavens in order to manage my emotional well-being. But in the last few days, a thread of serious emotional heartbreaks has overwhelmed me. The yahrzeit candle burning out after seven days was a poignant reminder of my loss. I cannot control the waves of grief that come and go without my inviting them.  Numerous sad family matters have escalated, and my heart is hurting in more ways than I care to admit.

Today I needed a reprieve from my sadness. I couldn’t bear to wallow in my numerous unhappy thoughts. My original thought was to avoid my feelings by eating chocolate. I realized that would be a very temporary fix to a wider vat of emotions.

I could have sought out loved ones to talk to. But because I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone, I looked for a chore to throw my energy into. I decided to clean out the shed beside my house. A mouse, or more likely mice, have taken up residence in the shed. Knowing this, I’ve kept my distance. Rodents disgust me. I donned gloves and a mask to begin the clean out. Disgusting is not a strong enough word for all that I found. I stuck with the chore for over six hours. Not once did I think about my sadness.

More than once, I thought I should stop. I knew my body would suffer in the long run. But I couldn’t. I was driven to continue until I had the shelves and floor clean. By the time I was done, I had filled up an entire trash bin. The next thing I’ll need to do will be to compact some steel wool in the small holes. I will also need to board up a larger hole the darn critters made.

After tossing out the mask and gloves, I showered in an attempt to feel sanitized. I also realized that I had not eaten anything or had anything to drink all day. (That’s not a very good way to treat my body.) I started my meal with an RX pain med. I knew what was coming. I made myself the same comfort food I’ve been eating for a couple of days. I made tacos for linner and prepared enchiladas for later. I did succumb to the desire for chocolate. BR rocky road ice cream was perfect after my linner. It was all I could do to wash up the dishes though.

After lunch and a nap, my body was screaming at me. I ached all over. I realized I had done this to myself. After all my efforts to reduce my pain, here I was back at square one. It wasn’t until writing this post that I began to wonder if I sabotaged my physical well-being to avoid my emotional needs.

I spent the evening in bed reading blogs. My dear friend called me, and I thought I was fine. Her kindness always amazes me. In the middle of our conversation, the waves came over me again. I was losing the battle to fight back the tears that wanted to burst from my eyes. I fear I upset her, which was not my intention. I hadn’t cried all day.

Unable to sleep, I read blogs. This is a healthy habit for me. I wanted to write a blog about what’s going on in my head right now. For no other reason than it’s therapeutic for me. It’s Valentine’s Day already. Maybe I should eat some of my dark chocolate covered almonds hiding in the back of the fridge.

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11 thoughts on “When Does It Get Easier?

  1. I know it was tough to clear out that shed, but given what was inhabiting the space, it’s great that you pushed yourself to do so, even though you’re paying for it now. Oddly, I had a discussion about what you touched on in your last paragraph – how some folks use housework or chores to deal with emotional issues. It’s not a bad thing, I actually think it’s a great way to solve them – because your mind can focus on the thing that’s bothering you while you do something a bit mindless with your body. Chocolate is a great cure for the doldrums, and I’m hoping the medication helped with the physical aches and pains. Take care today! And enjoy the satisfaction of your newly sanitized shed! 🙂

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