I work with ardor to keep myself from becoming entrenched in sorrow. I became a practitioner of meditation, a patient to specialists, and a client to mavens in order to manage my emotional well-being. But in the last few days, a thread of serious emotional heartbreaks has overwhelmed me. The yahrzeit candle burning out after seven days was a poignant reminder of my loss. I cannot control the waves of grief that come and go without my inviting them. Numerous sad family matters have escalated, and my heart is hurting in more ways than I care to admit.
Today I needed a reprieve from my sadness. I couldn’t bear to wallow in my numerous unhappy thoughts. My original thought was to avoid my feelings by eating chocolate. I realized that would be a very temporary fix to a wider vat of emotions.
I could have sought out loved ones to talk to. But because I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone, I looked for a chore to throw my energy into. I decided to clean out the shed beside my house. A mouse, or more likely mice, have taken up residence in the shed. Knowing this, I’ve kept my distance. Rodents disgust me. I donned gloves and a mask to begin the clean out. Disgusting is not a strong enough word for all that I found. I stuck with the chore for over six hours. Not once did I think about my sadness.
More than once, I thought I should stop. I knew my body would suffer in the long run. But I couldn’t. I was driven to continue until I had the shelves and floor clean. By the time I was done, I had filled up an entire trash bin. The next thing I’ll need to do will be to compact some steel wool in the small holes. I will also need to board up a larger hole the darn critters made.
After tossing out the mask and gloves, I showered in an attempt to feel sanitized. I also realized that I had not eaten anything or had anything to drink all day. (That’s not a very good way to treat my body.) I started my meal with an RX pain med. I knew what was coming. I made myself the same comfort food I’ve been eating for a couple of days. I made tacos for linner and prepared enchiladas for later. I did succumb to the desire for chocolate. BR rocky road ice cream was perfect after my linner. It was all I could do to wash up the dishes though.
After lunch and a nap, my body was screaming at me. I ached all over. I realized I had done this to myself. After all my efforts to reduce my pain, here I was back at square one. It wasn’t until writing this post that I began to wonder if I sabotaged my physical well-being to avoid my emotional needs.
I spent the evening in bed reading blogs. My dear friend called me, and I thought I was fine. Her kindness always amazes me. In the middle of our conversation, the waves came over me again. I was losing the battle to fight back the tears that wanted to burst from my eyes. I fear I upset her, which was not my intention. I hadn’t cried all day.
Unable to sleep, I read blogs. This is a healthy habit for me. I wanted to write a blog about what’s going on in my head right now. For no other reason than it’s therapeutic for me. It’s Valentine’s Day already. Maybe I should eat some of my dark chocolate covered almonds hiding in the back of the fridge.