Thanksgiving Day has come and gone. It’s late and I am exhausted. Making a simple dinner for 2 is as tiring as making a dinner for 12 or 15.
All day long I kept thinking about the things I am grateful for. The list is long and in many ways privileged. The lyrics, You’ve coma a long way baby,” kept running through my mind today.
I had an epiphany yesterday. When I realized I was spending an inordinate amount of time cleaning EVERYTHING I could see, I knew I was feeling anxiety. Cleaning and eating chocolate have been my go to for anxiety for most of my life. Yesterday, I took an old toothbrush, and spent hours cleaning the grout on the tile on my kitchen backsplash. I then took a can of paint and a brush and went all over the house and painted all the stray marks on the molding in every room. I also took a long knife and cleaned under the refrigerator. Of course I also had to remake the cushion covers on my outdoor swing because they were in bad shape. The list goes on and on for all the things I have been doing this week. All the while, I was telling myself they needed to be done and there was no hidden reason.
Once I realized I was not dealing with my anxiety I sat down to a good release of energy. Then I questioned if there was anything more I could/should do help the situations I was anxious about. My reality is that I can just be there for support. Some very important family and friends are going through difficult physical and emotional issues right now. I am feeling their grief and pain with them. I want to help, but realize my ability to do so is practically nil.
I tried to focus on my gratitude. It is so much easier now for me at this stage of my life. But that does not take away the love and concern I have for those I care so deeply about. I am not quite sure how to walk the line of loving the good in my life and caring about the strife of those I love.
I try hard to sit with my true feelings and acknowledge them. I often have a sense of things that are going to happen in the future. I wonder how others deal with their empathic abilities. I don’t want to ride the rollercoaster. I don’t know if I need a good cry or to punch a pillow.
I am doing my best to not bury my feelings in chocolate. I did not make my traditional dark chocolate brownies. I knew I would eat the entire pan by myself.
Now that the meal has been consumed, the house is all clean, and I am aware of what I am feeling, I need to get back to my normal life. Hanukkah is just a couple of weeks away and I am not finished getting/making things. I don’t want to stress out about the holiday either. I need to accept the fact that nothing is normal and just go with the flow more.
I hope all those who celebrate Thanksgiving had a lovely day today.