It has been a very rough few days emotionally. I have locked my brain away. I tried to blog, but realized that I was unable to make sense with out seeming like a needy baby. But hey, sometimes that is how I feel.
The weekend began with being triggered in a horrible manner by my PTSD perpetrator. I thought I was over that. I foolishly though because I had done so much work and they were not currently in my life, that I was safe. Then they came back and invaded my privacy and my friends and my well being. I won’t lie, I broke down. Thank goodness I have wonderful members of my tribe who love me and care about me.
Horribly, adding to the sad weekend drama, a family member lost a friend to suicide. It was such a devastating loss. I did what I could to reach out and listen to their pain. My heart hurts for them. To lose a life of someone so young is a tragedy. To know you could not change the outcome of a deeply troubled soul, does little to lesson the pain. One cannot help but wonder what, if anything, would have made a difference? The truth is this person needed help she refused to accept. There are so many suffering at the loss.
When I realized there were dear friends who would always love me and stand by me it made me feel so much better. When I realized there were people who say they are your friend, but believe lies without listening to the truth, I was sad again. So it has been a very tumultuous few days.
My go to when I am hurting emotionally is to clean. It’s been that way for most of my life. I spent an inordinate amount of time working in my gardens. I can honestly say that as of this moment there isn’t a weed to be found in the back planters. Now the front, is another thing all together.
I also worked on my bookcases in the dining room as well as the living room. I removed 5 boxes of books to be given to the thrift store as well as one to my cousin. I finally, with the help of my spouse, removed the top half of a very heavy oak china cabinet. I was often in fear of another earthquake toppling the top part over along with the china and glassware in it. Before he returned from school, I removed the heavy glass doors and the glass shelves. He helped me take the top part off and take it out front. The dolly was a great help. I put a FREE sign on it with all the pieces attached. It wasn’t there two hours before I looked out front and it was gone. It made me feel good to know someone took it.
I cleaned my menorah collection. I gifted a few to family members. I rearranged the collection to show them off more. I was happy with the end result.
I moved some art out of my attic and rearranged the location of my pictures. I decided to donate any art still without a home to a thrift store. It makes no sense to have it residing in the attic unseen and unappreciated. Along with pictures, I donated boxes of tchotchkes. It feels good to purge items that once brought joy, but now are merely dust collectors. I feel that my cleaning things out is a physical action for dealing with my emotional pain. I hope to rid myself of things that don’t bring me joy.
Adding to my emotional sadness, yesterday I made the mistake of listening to the governor’s newscast. I have been doing a good job of news avoidance. Yesterday we were informed of the huge spike in Covid cases throughout the state. It is estimated that if things continue like they are, by mid July we will be out of hospital beds entirely. There are still foolish, nay stupid, people in my neighborhood having parties with 10 or more cars full of people joining in. Not a mask in sight. It makes me sad and angry.
I had no idea all day what day it was. I have felt this way for a few days. I have not been reading, which I do when I am in a good place. I have not been blogging, which I miss. I have been emotional cleaning. At least I have not been emotional eating, that is one good thing. I need my days back. I need to not allow one person to do so much harm to me. I need to accept that I have a tribe of wonderful people who want me to be happy and who care about me. I have come so far in the last two years and I want to keep moving forward in happiness. Returning to blogging is a step toward being happy with myself.