I have been working hard to raise out of the pit that was depression. I had a great week last week. On my scale of 0 to 10, ten being highly depressed, I was a zero all week. I rejoiced in the knowledge that I was returning to my former self. The sarcastic, witty, creative, smart-ass that I was capable of being was returning. I was reading, cleaning, searching Ancestry, and communicating with friends.
I decided my “should” for Saturday was to do nothing but lay outside on my swing and read and play with Annie. The laundry wasn’t going anywhere, neither were the household chores. It was a wonderful breezy day with just a touch of coolness. I needed a light blanket to cover me. When Annie needed more attention, I was up and ready to play with her. I can’t remember that last time I had such a peaceful day. Many hours spent in pleasure was a great “should“.
I hadn’t been watching any news for a while. It made me too sad to see the numbers of lives lost to COVID. Each of those people going about their lives struck down by a horrible virus was heartbreaking to read about. I knew I wasn’t going anywhere in the near or distant future.
I did my best to visit only the uplifting groups I belong to on Facebook. It wasn’t long before even these groups were infiltrated with the horrific news of riots and protests. At this point I had to do some research. My heart sank, tears flowed, and I was forced back into the real world. I selectively looked at what can only be referred to as a country in chaos and division. In an attempt to not fall down the rabbit hole of depression, I looked for thoughts from people I admire and respect. There were many wise articles to read. The reality was that I cried upon reading each of them for the injustices prevalent in my country.
I read some posts from people in my city. Evidently there were peaceful protests here yesterday. As I have avoided the news and don’t leave my house, I was unaware of anything going on. The comments about the posts were mostly positive. Some POC mentioned awful ways they were treated by the local sheriff’s department for years. It made me sad to be unaware of this happening in my city. I have lived here 34 years and I had no idea this was even going on. For the most part, I have only seen posts complaining about the police not getting to the scene of a crime in a timely manner.
As in any situation when it hits close to home it heightens your awareness of the degree of the tragedy. Yesterday my son-in-law was informed by the Army that he was to have his uniform ready and a bag packed to be called to duty. He did so, calmly, and efficiently. My daughter was frightened, as well she should be. He went to work last night at the Veteran’s hospital. He is a nurse on a floor with Covid patients. I pray for him and the family every day. After working all night, he arrived home this morning and told my daughter he had to shower and leave immediately after, for the military base. Not having a clear understanding of the power of the military, she wanted him to rest for a couple of hours before leaving. He did his best to explain to her that that was not an option.
We had a long chat this morning. She was struggling with trying to explain to the Zs, why he was going and why it is especially dangerous. Right now, being a Black man in the military, working to support the police is far from a safe position. I respect his duty to our country even as he risks his life.
I am working hard to not allow the madness that is our current world to take me down. I am still a Mom and a Nana. I want to be here to support and counsel my loved ones as best I can. I have trusted friends I can reach out to when I just need to cry. I have signed up for some Zoom meetings about racial healing, finding gratitude meditations, and other healing ventures. I’m so pleased to read articles about peaceful protests and some police standing with protestors against the “bad” guys.
As I am finishing up this post, my phone just received another emergency alert. Our county is on a mandated curfew from 5:00 PM until 6:00 AM tomorrow. This madness is sadness to the Nth degree.