Lately, my feelings have been all over the place. I am on a roller coaster that feels more frightening than I like. Too many tears, not enough joy lately in my life. I need to remind myself that where I am today is far improved from where I was last year. As I enter a new phase, I keep encouraging myself with the knowledge that in six months I will be in a better place. I need to focus on what is good for me.
I enjoy reading uplifting Facebook memes. I am grateful for the messages from the universe. I am grateful for the contacts from my friends. I am grateful for the knowledge that pain now will lead to happiness in my future. I deserve to be happy.
I have the most difficulty accepting the fact that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be treated as a worthwhile person. As I interact with others, I am happily aware of their kindness toward me. Happily, not everyone is unkind. My gratitude for that is palpable. I need to remind myself to verbally express my gratitude for them and not just keep it in my heart.
I am acutely aware that everyone has a variety of things on their plates. When we interact with others, we see just a small part of who they are. Unless they share, we don’t know the depths of their angst. When I talk with some friends, I feel the weight of their challenges. I wish I could ease their pain. I am doing my best right now to deal with my own challenges. I feel drained and void of energy.
I know I need to try to find things that make me happy. I am working on breaking negative patterns. I love to bake sweets when I am troubled. Many times, this past week I have contemplated making brownies, cookies, cakes, and candy. I know that the immediate gratification of the process of baking would lead to the negative reality of wanting to eat them all.
I rarely eat out because there are too many unknowns in the food. This means I need to make meals at home. I realized that I was existing on oatmeal and cottage cheese. For days, I have had no desire to leave the house to get nutritious foods to cook. Yesterday, I finally went to the store and purchased some things that really spoke to me. It felt good to leave the house. It felt good to make myself some yummy food. It felt good to take care of myself. I am grateful for the ability to stop myself from spiraling.
I need to get back to doing some things every day that make me happy. I am focusing too much on my sadness. I have so much to be grateful for. I know that a metamorphosis usually requires breaking out of an old shell. I’ve cracked the surface and now I must climb through the hard parts. If I stretch my wings, I will fly. I will be grateful for finally doing what is best for me.