I am working through some difficult things right now. The fact that I am retired is helpful because it means I don’t have to stuff my feelings down while I live my life. I am able to have deep conversations with myself that no one else need be privy to. As others enter and exit my direct contact I return to my thoughts. The good, the bad, and the ugly have free reign in my head.
Sometimes I want to just view the good thoughts. Right now, I am purposefully looking at the ugly ones. I am also remembering both good and bad experiences with my mom’s passing. The right to have dignity in death is a soap box I will never step down from.
I have been making decisions to do and not do some things to keep my brain straight. I listened to Martha Beck without commenting. I wanted to hear her wisdom. I chose to not do a couple of SARK dessert calls. I din’t want the distraction of kibitzing with others for the friend connections. I chose to speak with my dear friends yesterday. They are an important loving, grounding for me.
This morning as my daughter and I spoke before she left for her doctor’s appointment, I was very aware of the fact that the world moves forward with or without my feelings. The world does not care that I am trying to put on the brakes for the time being. I am aware of my bird walking techniques to avoid doing the hard-emotional work I need to do.
Today after I return from dropping off my packages, I shall shut out the world and sit with my pen and papers. The world will move forward. The Netflix I want to watch will wait. The laundry isn’t going anywhere. The 348 yahoo messages in my in-box won’t care that I am still neglecting them. The holiday decorations in the 3 huge buckets sitting on my living room floor, will still be there after I accomplish my tasks. The rest of my life will be OK if I put everything on hold. The rest of the world will go on without me. I am grateful for my quiet time. I am grateful for soul searching. I am grateful for the task at hand.