No meditation today. My spouse drove all day yesterday and showed up at about 1:30 AM and scared the crud out of me. He said he was going to stop after dinner in Flagstaff. Crazy man wanted to come home and so he did. I had taken a Benadryl so I was very fuzzy in the brain. Sadly, because I was awakened I could not get back to sleep. This left me in a fuzzy but awake state. Not a good place to be. Eventually after going upstairs and turning on the TV I went to sleep.
When I got up at 6:30 I began to work on the front porch. Sanding, stripping, cleaning, and painting were the next many hours. By the time he got up I was ready to move to the next chore. I was deep in thought the whole time but I would not define it as meditation.
I was contemplating chores as a kid versus chores now. I remember feeling angry most of time when doing chores when I was young. I was angry that I was responsible for almost everything. After all I was the girl. I was a surly kid when forced to do the dishes for everyone, the laundry for everyone, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the dusting, and of course the ironing. I distinctly remember when ironing was added to my list of must do chores at age nine. A brother 1 1/2 years younger and 4 years older were not expected to participate in household chores. If they dirtied dishes after I had done dinner dishes I was not to go to bed until cleaning up after them. I became anti gender role assignments at an early age.
I boycotted different chores at different times in my adult life. I felt why should I still be persecuted as an adult. Now most chores don’t bother me at all. i enjoy having a clean house and I take pride in my home. I enjoy painting rooms and furniture. I love to play/work in my garden. I am a clean freak about laundry. I like who I am in my spaces. My buttons still get pushed when I do 90% of all that needs to get done. I don’t believe in his or her chores. We both live in the house so we should both keep it up.
Today my day was productive. I spent hours and hours on the porch both before and after a few chores to get more paint and Bondo. We also had to get some groceries as I was not expecting my spouse until late today. I had my dog keeping me company. She stays in the yard while I work. Well for the most part. She was MIA for a few moments and was banished back in to the house as a consequence. Later she came back out with me. I like to imagine what is going on in her brain as she watches me repeatedly move the paint brush over and over again. I decided she thinks I am crazy because I don’t get it right the first few hundred times.
So what did all this have to do with my day being strange? I felt off all day. I felt like I should have done more or different things. I felt like I was missing something. I felt that I was in a strange mood and wondered if it was because I did not meditate this morning. I don’t know the answer. It was just strange. The wonderful thing is that now, in this space I exist in, I don’t care if it is strange or not. I just keep moving on. I am grateful for who I am right now. I am grateful I enjoy improving my home. I am grateful I enjoy improving my life. I am grateful I find joy in things others think tedious. I am grateful for this life I am living, even when it is strange.