Day 250 – LSS Attitude of Gratitude – Blog/Not my holiday

It’s past midnight and sleep is alluding me so why not do my Sunday blog. My meditation has been on a freight train traveling one direction. For days now I have been pondering the effects of the lack of a good male father figure in my life. Saturday morning’s meditation was predominately spent crying for and with the little girl who never had a daddy to love her. This day, Sunday, is not my day. After meditating I tried to come up with something I could do to reclaim the day. I have not come up with a happy plan. Maybe sleeping on it will help.       

After meditating I decided I needed to put away 5 items to help with my clutter cleaning objective. I thought 5 might be too many, but once I started I reached 10 things quickly. In an attempt to make sure I did something  fun for myself I went to a thrift store. I needed one season of a specific series and it was there. I was so excited . I also purchased a bag of broken watches to add to my retirement bowling ball stash. While on my way to leave I came across an outdoor butterfly decoration. I felt it was a divinely inspired morning.     

I went to home depot before returning home. I bought some Bondo. I have never used the product before.  My handyman showed me how it works and I was eager to try my hand with it. The handyman installed a new pillar and I need to repair and repaint the other three. In addition to clutter clearing the next two weeks I am also trying to get some projects done.

In the afternoon I used the Bondo with fairly good success. Some spots were amazingly smooth and some were just OK. I ended up using the entire container as I kept finding more things that needed repairing. Later today I will sand again and get to painting my porch.

I finally attacked the neighbor’s hedge that is intruding on my yard. I filled one trash can and left the rest of the branches in a pile. I will finish after I bring the second can out front. I like the way the hedge looks when it is trimmed neatly. My preference would be for it to disappear but that s not in my control.   

After making a yummy dinner I started to attack the paperwork on my dining room table. I had convinced myself it was an hour job at most. I was soooooo wrong. After filling one inside recycle trash can and one regular trash can I had made huge progress. It was almost midnight and I decided I had accomplished more than I thought was possible.   

While clutter clearing all day I had many clarifying thoughts about male figures in my life. I have had many difficult experiences.  I sought to find something good.

  1. To bio dad- Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for having wonderful parents who I adored. 
  2. To T (My first step-father) – Thank you for giving me fond memories of days at the beach and pizza outings and outdoor movie nights. 
  3. To Mr. B (My 6th grade teacher) Thank you for reading to our class every day. It was the first time I had ever had a man read to me. Thank you for coming to the house with cards from my classmates when I returned from the hospital after two months. Thank you for being there for all your students. Thank you for making sure I did not have to repeat the sixth grade.
  4. To Mr T (My speech and debate teacher) Thank you for seeing something in me I did not see. Thank you for your advice and guidance that allowed me to graduate from school early instead of dropping out. I have long since forgiven you for putting me in competitions that scared the heck out of me. Thank you for that.
  5. To W (Step dad number 7) Thank you for making my mother happy and treating her well. Thank you for being a loving grandpa to my children. Thank you for accepting the craziness that is our family. Thank you for seeing the truth when my mother did not. 
  6. To Dr.E – Thank you for guiding me on the difficult path last year. I would not had made this wonderful growth without your expertise. 

When I awake and the rest of the US is celebrating Father’s Day I once again will not participate. It is not a holiday for me. After completing some of my tasks, perhaps I will reclaim the day for happiness. It is sure worth a try.

Changed from a poem I read

Fathers Day is here… And deep inside I’m sad…For Father’s Day reminds me… I’ve never had a dad.


3 thoughts on “Day 250 – LSS Attitude of Gratitude – Blog/Not my holiday

  1. I knew today would be a difficult day for you. I hope you know you deserved better. You deserved to be loved and cherished just as every little girl deserves to be loved by her father. I send you love and wishes that somewhere you find joy in this day. I will be holding you in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good read, sorry for the struggle but greatful for the things it brought you that you share like wisdom.
    really like the list-
    to H- thank you for always being exactly who you were even when you said you wouldnt, yes it drove everyone including me crazy but with perspective now it helps me to draw from that “i am who I am” popeye like quality to be ok with not fulfilling others expectations of me.
    to M- thanks for alowing me to tinker with your tools and learn hands on how to souter, and for pushing me to the depths of anger that you did I learned a tremendous amount about myself if those raw honest moments.
    to B- thanks for the recipes and the reminder that for those who dont choose to heal all they have is more illness ahead of them.
    to M#2- thanks for being there when mom doesnt want to bother me, even though im not bothered its nice to know she has options, and for being there all those years as a friend to her even when she doesnt make that easy, but she always make it worth it, and very few have figured that out.
    to D- the imperfect man that fills in the holes left by another inperfect man and leaves me with hope that my girls will find joy!

    Liked by 1 person

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